This week were going to have a little fun and look at things that have the metal persona without even trying. There are some people, places, and things out there that just reek of metal and the fact that they don’t know it makes them even more metal:
10 – Tornados – far from cool due to their often high death counts you have to agree that these things are definitely metal. Any massive windstorm that can touch down on the bitchy neighbor’s house and leave yours alone is certainly metal in my books. Hell, they can make cows fly.
9 – Tigers – a striped female that lets a roar out of her that scares the shit out of you. Sounds like good death metal to me. If you look in these giant cats eyes I swear you can see the Slayer logo. The Lion might be the king, but the Tiger is the head banger.
8 – The Undertaker – he’s huge, dressed in black leather, been buried alive, rides motor-cycles and like many people has taken a swing at Kid Rock. If the Undertaker isn’t the poster child for what people stereo-type metal as, I don’t know what is. Personally I think it’s what we all wish we were!
7 – Pink – how dare I put a pop star in a metal list! Fact is Pink is about as metal as they come. She sings about raising your alcohol for everything and evil clowns. Her tattoos and parodies of pop princesses put her in my metal book.
6 – Shad Worms – for those that don’t know what they are: Shad Worms are found buried in the mud flats on the Bay of Fundy in Canada. They have teeth (pinchers) in their mouth that allows them to bite anyone that picks them up. Picture a small Tremor worm. Worms with teeth are metal to me!
5 – Muscle Cars – metal is normally associated with bikes, but what about good old fashioned muscle cars. Prominent during an era when everyone was a rebel and going faster was the only cause. Throw in an electric guitar and you have on hell of a video.
4 – Billy Mays – I have to say RIP to this Oxy Clean pitchman, but anyone that could pull off that beard with that shirt and still become a legendary salesman is metal to me. Billy Mays can sell shit to people they don’t even want. Some forms of metal do the same thing!
3 – Kathy Griffith – Life on the D List made her famous but she was metal long before that. This crazy bitch had to work with Andy Dick before people knew he was a freak. What makes her truly metal is stripping down live on CNN and being able to save Anderson Cooper from his geeky self.
2 – Chuck Norris – if you search Google for Chuck you will find it says: “you can’t search for Chuck Norris because he searches for you!” This ass kicker is a phenomenon for just being a one line tough guy. Chuck Norris is metal! (I’m going to get my ass kicked by Chuck Norris for not making him number one.)
So what could possibly be more metal than Chuck Norris:
1 – Teppanyaki Cooking – sitting at a flat grill heated to over 500 degrees drunk off your ass while some guys chops up prime cuts of meat and flings them in your mouth. Combined with the metallic sound the knives and spatula makes this meal the number one metal thing that doesn’t try to be.
PS – if you see Chuck Norris tell him Delta Force sucked – what the hell I’m a dead man anyway!
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