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Gwar's Oderus: The Interview

Interview: Oderus of GWAR
September 8, 2009

James Hetfield

After dialling a 1500 digit telephone number 12 times with much anticipation the following conversation took place:

WLM: Oderus, did we get a hold of you?

Oderus: Yeh, Iím here, Iím so fuckin here. Where are you? I demand to know! Where are you?

WLM: We are outside of Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada.

Oderus: Ah Canadians, fine young Canadian meat.

WLM: Itís a little more desolate then Antarctica, but a nice place. Youíre coming to visit us on October 29th in Halifax at the Cunard Centre with Lamb of God and Job for a Cowboy.

Oderus: Yes, but Antarctica isnít desolate at all, weíve turned it into quite a lively place. It was very desolate before we got here, but we have livened up the place.

WLM: So were actually speaking to you from the GWAR fortress?

Oderus: Yeh, Iím at home right now, taking a little break. Apparently in the United States today they are having a holiday where I am getting ready to go visit them because today is Labour Day. A lot of people are in it and it means a lot of babies will be born. And everyone knows how much I like to fuck children. So Iím going to go visit the Labour Day and find a woman or women, plural you know.

Your language is very weird; it actually hurts my mouth to talk it. It hurts the inside of my mouth to say human words. For some reason I write my songs in human, I donít know why I do that. Its almost like were a band from Germany that writes everything in English. It happens all the time, why are they doing that. Like if a band is from Norway, but they keeps writing in fuckin English, I mean why? Do they want to be a hit? Donít they know that Norway bands will never appeal to American rock and roll listeners unless its in English. I guess thatís why they do it.

WLM: Does that mean your not going to be singing in Canadian when you come up here?

Oderus: No, no, I will be but Iím just saying Iíve always wanted to make a record in my native tongue.

WLM: I thought they already didnít accept you in Scumdogia?

Oderus: Yeh, I mean my language is appalling and my English is rudimentary at best. Of course rudimentary for Oderus is much better then most humans could manage. Oh waitÖ how delightful, its raining blood.

WLM: Again? Its been a bad year for that.

Oderus: Iím so happy what a beautiful day. I just came out to check the entrails I draped over the balcony last night as I was fashioning some weaponry. Actually Iím working on a new sculpture I might not have ready for this tour, because on the next album, not this one but the next one I will be stepping up and playing an instrument. I will play the ďfag pipes,Ē also known as the ďskin flute,Ē also known as the ďdisgusting scrotum,Ē that I will squeeze and suck and horrible noises will come out of, it will be lovely and it will be most rejoicing. Oww, burned on my crack pipe.

WLM: Will this tour be starting in San Francisco?

Oderus: Yeh I mean sure, everything happens in San Francisco. Oh gees, Christ I really have to stop smoking so much crack in the morning. I should just eat it.

WLM: So October 29th youíre coming up here to Halifax, NS to playÖ

Oderus: To the Canadian wastelands to share blood with the royal GWAR freaks of Canada. Time and time again Canadians show they can hold their own with anyone as far as drinking, doing drugs, having sex, and practising crashing large machines into buildings. They can do all these things and more while shooting guns drunk.

Then we will all go to the GWAR show, which is really the highlight of the year for you people. I know a lot of people like Halloween, but GWAR is a lot more fun then Halloween. I mean Halloween is like getting ready for GWAR, but a lot of people out there think the GWAR show is the thing they look most forward to and they should because itís the most spectacular show in existence. People out there still havenít realized we exist, I feel so sorry for them.

WLM: Were very concerned about the tour because there is a rumour floating around that you are the new lead singer of Velvet Revolver.

Oderus: Oh, I would never work with those wankers. I donít care how much they pay me. Its horrible, its vile, I mean whatever happened to junky boy?

WLM: I think heís doing something with a crack pipe right now.

Oderus: What was up with him and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Why did they do that video, it was so fucking stupid.

WLM: I donít know but I heard there was a skin flute involved.

Oderus: Arenít people sick of these people, why donít people just demand that every entertainer be as good as GWAR or at least try to be as good as us. I canít believe you actually anoint these people to celebrity status. Itís a cesspool of human need.

I mean Octomom; on my planet we would find a good use for the octomom.

WLM: Well she is good food, she produces.

Oderus: Yeh, but we would fuck her a lot first. I would love to get my hands on the Octomom but the thing about GWAR is you tend to see us coming. So she has her fetuses actually lift her up in the air and run away together.

WLM: I think Iíve seen that on TLC. Speaking of vile scum we had a question that came into us from the website.

People wanted to know if GWAR took over the world and elected Kerry King the supreme ruler, what would earth be like?

Oderus: Oh well if Kerry King ruled the earth all you would hear is his guitar solo. It would just be constantly beÖ (Oderus breaks into guitar sounds), it would be endless, none stop 24 hours a day. If Kerry King ruled the world you would only be able to eat at TGI Fridays. No really its true, Kerry King when he goes to Europe he will not eat at any of the local restaurants, he has to eat at TGI Fridays.

WLM: I think that would hurt the Slayer rep in the long run donít you?

Oderus: Well I mean I bashed Kerry a bunch, but he hasnít risen to the bait. I keep trying to get a bunch of free press out of him with his reaction, but Iím going to give up. In fact I salute Kerry at this point for ignoring me and I give him all the respect and love in the world. Slayer is probably the greatest metal band ever. Iím not going to diss him anymore.

Heís been very wise because the only reason I belittle my peers is so they will react angrily and I will get free publicity. It didnít work this time so I salute him for that.

WLM: Well 25 years ago they thawed you out in Antarctica and you made a record that was amazing. You have changed your musical styles over the years, but now 25 years later you have come back with Lust in Space. Us humans put it at number 96 on our stupid top 200 list. What do you think of that?

Oderus: Yeh well donít worry it has plummeted off already. It was on for a week and is in there somewhere. I donít understand all these numbers, but what I do care about is itís getting an excellent reaction.

Usually when people review GWAR records it goes about half and half. Half think itís awesome, the other half think itís just OK. This time around everyone is really beating the GWAR drum and I think that has to do with our magnificent two yearlong 25th anniversary celebration. A lot of people are reassessing their relationship with GWAR. They say Gwar came to town, yeh they fucked my girlfriends face and it fuckin ripped off so they stuck their dick in the hole. Yeh she died, but yeh theyíre like thinking about that and jacking off. Then their like what itís the 25th anniversary? Holy shit it was five years ago that Oderus fucked off my girlfriends face. They say fuck it Iíll give it another try.

There is literally 25 years of people like that all coming to the same conclusion at the same time. Lets get down with GWAR and party like rock stars because this is the 25th year of history of the most mind boggling, staggering event in human history. The rebirth of GWAR.

WLM: Along those lines we do have a couple of questions. We know in NC they took your cuddlefish a few years back. Heavy Metal Momma wants to know how long it takes to grow one of those back?

Oderus: Oh pretty quick, about a week or so. If you pour wart remover into the hole it fucking grows back faster, I donít know why that is, but it does. The problem is you never know quite what is going to happen when it grows back. You know if your lucky it will be a penis and it will work and be even bigger then the old one. If your not lucky you might grow a leg out of that hole and that would be bad. Then you would have to cut if off and keep cutting it off until a penis finally grew back. That has happened before. Itís happened many different times, arms and legs have been ripped out of their sockets and grew back as carrots. It doesnít make any sense. I canít tell you how many times Iíve had to mutilate and dissect, draw and quarter my own body just so I could have a three-foot long penis.

WLM: Well I think I have one of the son of a bitches (cuddlefish) growing under my bed, whatís the best way to deal with that?

Oderus: Well you let it grow, do whatever it wants. There is no way to deal with it; you just do what it says.

WLM: But it wants to do some pretty nasty things.

Oderus: Well then you better do it. Its better to do it then have it against you. Well no matter how degrading or vile you have to make the choice for yourself. Would I rather die or would I rather suck this penis. Some humans would rather die.

Think about it, itís not really a pleasant thing to do. Itís not enough to just suck the dick then spit in your hand. You have to swallow it all and were talking several gallons. Clotted thick, stingy, penile vomit.

WLM: I heard rumours it leaves an awful stain in the carpet to?

Oderus: Oh well you wouldnít have a carpet; it would eat through the floor. Itís a great way to melt a house, Iíll tell you that. It works like acid, but its way, way worse, plus it comes out of a penis.

WLM: We also wanted to know for our own sake, what percentage do you let survive at the concert?

Oderus: Well I hear of these people that have been to GWAR 38 times and I guess were slipping because I know people go there and use the blood of their dead friends to trick GWAR into thinking their dead and it does work because lets face it were really high. You know that cheating, it really is. When people come and see GWAR I expect them to die and the more the better. We try to facilitate you; maybe I have to install whirling saw blades at the front of the stage so when people come in they will just be slashed. As the show goes on more people will be pushed forward into the blades. That might work.

WLM: Doesnít that fuck with the LAMB OF GOD who because there wonít be many people left when they come on stage.

Oderus: That is a problem and we had to talk to Lamb of God about that. So we said hey Lamb of God what are we going to do about half the audience being dead, but apparently their not worried about it because they are just going to leave the doors open and people will keep fighting their way in. Kind of like a death camp school of rock concerts. Its kind of like the victims of the holocaust going into the gas chamber except we donít strip them and cut of their hair and pull the fillings out of their teeth before they go in, we do that after. Everyone that dies in the pit is ground up into GWAR dog food, which we actually eat ourselves. Itís like dog food but we eat it. Weird! We even take the fillings for god sake and we take the hair and sell it to U-boat cruises to stuff the pillowcases with. True story!

Anyway so theyíre not worried about it. Lamb of God are old friends of ours and they are all strung out on crack. We were doing discussions, negotiations with Lamb of God to make sure we got to do our full show and that crap and as we were getting into discussions I was hitting the crack pipe and Danny from Lamb of God was like, ďDo you think I can hit that?Ē I like hell yeh, so we were all on the pipe together. Itís all cool.

WLM: Our plan at the concert is we are going to try and make friends with you. What do you look for in comrades?

Oderus: Oh, high tolerance to drugs and alcohol. I have to see how fucked up you can get and stay alive. Thatís a good way to find people to hang out with because if they donít meet up with those criteria they die. I look for someone good in battle, big and strong. Supernatural powers of some sort, flying, things like that. I donít really hang out with humans too much. Scum dog brothers always.

I like entertainers though I have to admit. I always feel a little bit enamoured with the whole showbiz scene. Ever since I met Englebert Humperdink. Itís been an uphill battle, and then downhill, then sideways, then back on a plateau type of battle. This battle has been to get Oderus and GWAR their won TV quiz show and were getting closer everyday and I have no doubt that in the next 3 or 400 years we will accomplish that.

WLM: Well speaking of celebrities we have heard that you snuck into Sebastian Bach, Def Leopard, and Bon Joviís house stealing their soul and forcing them to go to Country music.

Oderus: No they did that on their own. I decided to let them do it on their own and they went to country music. They felt they came to a point in their career where they exhausted every option and they decided to go country. I fully recognize I might have to travel down this road myself when I have absolutely whored myself out in every other possible manner. Oderus will go country. That might be the greatest thing I ever did.

WLM: Can you stop yourself from eating the horse?

Oderus: Yeh, but I wonít be able to stop myself from fucking it.

WLM: Back to the GWAR fortress, is it true the fortress is powered with the heating and cooling of Santa Clauses blood?

Oderus: No, I leave Santa alone. I donít want to hurt Santa. I actually like Santa heís kind of cool. Heís old, heís fat, and heís got elves. I donít know where they get this cheesy elf stuff, elves are perverts. Santa Claus is obviously a pedophile and Mrs. Claus is totally into bondage. I love to visit them and hang out with them. Iíll tell you who I donít like is that fuckin Tooth Fairy. I do not like her; we can do better then that.

WLM: So when your out on the road what do you do for fun? Other then eat babies and fuck all the women.

Oderus: Well thatís a big part of the day right there so youíve kind of answered the question for me. We do rock the house, thatís the other thing we do. Then if thereís enough time for drinking and playing golf, snowboarding, shuffle boarding, bocce ball, macramť, basket weaving, ceramics, aqua class, yoga, tai chi, martial arts, skate boarding, trivia, jenga, you know thatís pretty much it.

WLM: One more for you here Oderus. Obviously Alice Cooper has stolen ďSchoolís OutĒ from you, but what did he think of your version?

Oderus: He loved it and he interviewed us a couple of weeks ago and there is talk of GWAR and Alice Cooper doing some shows together in 2010. He is a long time admirer of GWAR and Oderus a big fan of his. He is one of those few humans that I like to give some respect to. He has been watching out career quite closely all these years and I wouldnít be surprised to see himÖ we were very close to getting him in the video. It was close but he couldnít do it. He is an amazing golfer; he is a scratch golfer shooting par or better, thatís amazing, a very hard fucking thing to do. I would not be surprised to see some sort of collaboration with him at some point or even a tour or just a show. It would be amazing.

WLM: Oderus We Love Metal Dot Com would like to thank you so much for doing this and we will see you on October 29th at the Cunard Centre in Halifax.

Oderus: That sounds like a lot of fun, itís going to be an amazing event. Iím telling all you fuckers itís the best show of the year. You have three of the biggest bands in metal. You have the granddaddy and the eternal masters of the sickest show ever with GWAR on their 25th anniversary. Job for a Cowboy is an amazing up and coming band that getting bigger everyday. Lamb of God is just crushing everywhere they go. This is going to be an amazing night for metal and the whole tour is a great thing and it marks the beginning of this two-year celebration of all things GWAR. Get out there and show your love for metal, buy our new fucking album Lust in Space because I love the support.

This interview was made possible by Sonic Entertainment Group based out of Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada and Sarah Lutz of Metal Blades Records Canada. We thank them both very much. Its not everyday you get to talk to a superstar from another planet. Buy the record and see the show. Both are amazing!

We Love Metal Team